The Bizarre and Unconventional Exorcism of Mary Blatty

 

They could hear her incessant screaming from even downstairs. The screams traveled through a wooden wall and a wooden floor, which had always been good at stopping sound. But tonight it was like the shrill shrieks pierced the wood, shooting a hole through it like a shot from a revolver, and reached their ears. She was like a siren or a banshee, hell maybe that’s actually what had possessed her. 

The two people in the living room, who had to endure the screams and shrieks, were a couple named Peter and Wilma Blatty. And the one screaming from upstairs was their daughter, Mary. Their household was extremely normal and average, both figuratively and literally. On the literal end their house was exactly what you would picture when you imagined the average suburban house. The outside walls were painted white, the roof black, the door also black, and even a white picket fence. The inside was well furnished with generic furniture items purchased from a local furniture store that had an 80% off sale because they had just filed for bankrupcy. It’s honestly cliche, very boring. On the figurative end, their household was also well arranged. It was a standard nuclear family structure, with all the suburbanite furnishings. The parents had good jobs, the daughter went to a good school, they had good neighbors, the neighborhood watch was well managed, the houses were evenly spaced apart, there was no stores anywhere nearby, no way of getting anywhere if you didn’t own a car, had a air of snooty humblebragging, and of course there were no “thugs” or “criminals,” they don’t count the priest at the local church that molests the kids. Overall, exactly as you had imagined it.

However, recently, their well managed household descended into utter chaos. It started a few days ago, when their daughter had come back from a normal day at school. They were all sitting at the dinner table when suddenly Mary felt what seemed to be an unusually painful headache come on. The parents, concerned about her, told her to go rest in her room. And for around an hour they let her rest before they decided to come check on her, however she was certainly not resting. She was shaking around on her bed like a leaf on a tree during a hurricane, which could’ve been caused by the unexplainable windiness and cold that had encompassed the whole room. When they tried to interfere she puked up what she had eaten of dinner in their faces. Then she began brutally mocking them in a completely vulgar manner. A few other things happened in the days between then and now, but you've seen the movies right? It basically went exactly like it did in those movies.

And now that the exposition has been covered we can return to the present. The parents have all but given up, and now the wailing shrieks of their daughter mixes with their wailing cries of anguish. Their voices are so hoarse and raw that it would take an extreme amount of effort to even speak, therefore they don’t, their thoughts instead conveyed through primal noises of sadness. Sobbing means: “Why did this happen to me and my family?” Shrill yelps interspersed through sobbing means: “Why did this happen to my daughter! She was innocent!” And finally, the moments of silence, where their eyes stare at the floor, means: “Why has God abandoned us?”

But in this room, which is about as depressing as the Aokigahara forest, there is a small glimmer of hope. After the first night they had sent a message to the Vatican Church to request an exorcist, the only people who could help their daughter. And only a few hours later they had gotten a response telling them one of the best exorcists would be sent out to resolve the situation. For a moment they felt happy, and although the horror of the last few days had whittled them down, they still held out hope. And now it was about to be rewarded.

Suddenly, out of the blue, the shrieking stopped. And as the screaming stopped, so did their cries. For a moment the parents sat in silence, the only moment in days it has been silent. But soon the silence was cut through by a knock at the door. “It’s surely the exorcist!” they thought, “The Vatican has come to save our daughter!” And so they rushed to the door and flung it open, their bodies almost being rejuvenated by the sudden influx of joy. As the door opened they expected to see a respectful man of the cloth, adorned in the usual garments. However, this was not what they saw.

Standing at the door was a woman wearing an oversized, leather overcoat with a black shirt underneath, and a relatively unassuming pair of black pants. What was not unassuming was the hat she also wore, which resembled the cap used in military or police uniforms. It was a dark blue color and in the center there was an insignia engraved in gold, which they couldn’t make out at the moment. 

“Good afternoon. This is the Blatty residence right?” She said with a smirk that somehow seemed both innocent and devious.

They both were quite stunned at the appearance of the strange woman, but the husband eventually stumbled out: “Yes ma'am. I’m Peter Blatty,” he gestured over to his wife, “and this is my wife Wilma.”

“Excellent! Just wanted to make sure, all these samey houses get me confused.” She said as she patted herself on the side of the head with her gloved hand, in what must’ve been an attempt to look friendly.

For a second the two and the one just kinda looked at each other. The Blatty pair looked in confusion and nervousness while the woman just started with the same smirk she’s had this whole time.

“So, um,” Peter eventually forced out, “what do you want, um, officer? Or are you not an officer?”

Her smile twisted into an expression that is extremely difficult to actually write in words, and replied: “What do you mean ‘What do you want?’ I’m the person you’ve been waiting for of course, the exorcist!”

In response to this Wilma’s eyes narrowed and she said: “We called the Vatican for help, not some woman dressed as a commie officer or something.”

“Ah yes you did call the Vatican, but you see, I’m here because the Vatican called us.” She said after her smirk moved to the more mischievous side of the axis. “But it’s understandable why you’d be confused, so allow me to introduce myself.”

“I am inspector Elizabeth Darkbloom of the OSA.” Her hand flicked to a pocket in her coat and pulled out a badge, which she showed to them. “A pleasure to meet you.”

They examined the badge. The main feature of it was a golden insignia that had an eye with what looked like beams of light coming out of, and surrounding it, and the words: “Scientia Potentia est. Sic Silentium est Aureum.” surrounded the beams. This insignia matched the one on her hat. There was also a photo of her without her hat and some random details listed in small writing.

“OSA? What’s that?”

“The Office of Supernatural Affairs.”

 “But why the hell did the Vatican call you instead of just sending someone out themselves?”

“It’s simple, but I’d rather explain it to you inside. It’s quite cold out here.” She said, as Peter noticed that the overcoat actually had fur on it too.

They hesitated, but after looking at each other they realized there wasn’t much of a choice. They could turn the strange woman from the strange organization down and their daughter would remain possessed, or they could hear her out and there would be around a 5% chance their daughter would be healed. They decided on the 5% chance, and let her in.

They entered the home and strolled into the living room. In the living room there was a single recliner chair and a normal sized couch. Ms. Darkbloom immediately decided to claim the couch before the other two could ask her to sit in the recliner. From the way she sat on the couch, she didn’t intend to share it. For their daughter’s sake, they held their tongue, and Mrs. Blatty took the reclining chair, while her Mr. stood beside the chair. 

Elizabeth looked around and spoke: “You have a nice home.” which was funny because you’d assume she owned the place by the way she acts. “But before we begin, I’d like to ask a question, may I?” The couple nodded their heads. “Um, this is a rough question. Has your daughter been… abused, sexually.” 

The couple’s reaction could only be described as utterly outraged. “Of course she hasn’t!” Wilma yelled, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

The woman on the receiving end lifted up her hands in a defense gesture and responded: “I’m sorry! It’s just the last time I got called into a situation like this, there was actually no demon, and the girl was just acting like that because of trauma from that shit. And by the time I figured it out I felt very embarrassed! And the Board was pissed about wasting resources. So I just wanted to make it clear that it wasn’t the case this time. No offense intended!” 

They calmed down a little, but still contained a somewhat agitated feeling within them, one that was being communicated through their eyes to the flustered inspector. “Whatever,” Peter said with an awkward smile, “it’s in the past. What’s more important is how we can save our daughter.”

Elizabeth nodded. “I completely agree.” She relaxed a bit. “So now I can explain why I’m here. You see, the Vatican highly suspects that the demon possessing your daughter is Pazuzu, a known fugitive that has been on our watchlist for a while now. Due to certain factors, the Vatican would be useless to stop this demon. The demon Pazuzu cannot be excised using Christian methods.”

“Huh? How is that possible?” Wilma said, confused.

“Because the Christian method revolves around evoking symbols, the symbol of the cross, the symbol of God’s power to expel the demon. A Christian exorcism is basically a symbolic ritual. Which is perfectly fine when dealing with Abrahamic demons, most of the time.” The inspector takes a more serious posture. “But not this time. A symbol or its associated rituals only have power over things that believe they have power over them. Most Abrahamic demons believe in that power, but we have a strong suspicion that this demon has seen through it. We already know he is a part of an extremist faction known as the ‘Church of the Morningstar ‘, therefore it is unlikely that a Christian exorcism would be effective.”

The couple sat in thought for a second. They were getting the idea, but just didn't understand the whole picture. They had been Christians their whole life, and even though what she was saying sounded aligned with Christianity, it really wasn’t. How could the power of God be degraded by just refusing to believe in His power? Rebel factions among demons? What she was talking about clearly didn’t align with traditional Christian beliefs.

Like she could read their thoughts, she said: “I know this all sounds very strange to you, and going on an exposition dump would take too long and would honestly be bad for the pacing of the story, sorry I meant it wouldn’t be very helpful for your daughter. All you need to know is that if the Pope himself trusts us, and doesn’t believe Christian methods will work, then you know I must be onto something.”

The couple had their hesitations, but decided to put their faith in her reasoning for now. But Peter asked an important question: “But if we can’t do it the way the Church does it, then how can we do it?”

Elizabeth’s smile returned to her face, and she looked excited. “It’s simple. You see, even though the demon has taken control of your daughter’s body, her soul still remains in that body. The demon has merely pushed her out of the driver’s seat, and put her to sleep. With the right method we can wake her up, and with the right tools she can push the demon out of her body using psychic willpower.” She reached into her coat and pulled out a slip of paper, and showed it to the couple. It looked like a thin, small piece of paper with what appeared to be indecipherable symbols written on it, but even they, who were not psychically gifted, could feel an energy exuding from it. “This is a talisman,” the woman spoke up, “specifically one meant to amplify the willpower of a human soul. Most people wouldn’t have the willpower to force a demon out, but this talisman will amplify that willpower to the point where even a weak willed person could do it. When we wake your daughter up, I will apply the talisman to her body, and it will give her the strength she needs to do the job herself.”

Upon hearing her explanation, and for the first time in days, the Blatty couple smiled and felt joy. Peter began to stutter and asked: “Is it really that simple? Is it that simple to save our daughter?”

Ms. Darkbloom nodded, and some tears could be seen in the father’s eyes. “As long as you follow my instructions it’ll be easy.” she said. “But the method of waking a soul up isn’t always the same, it depends on the individual’s personality and mental state. Therefore I do need to ask some questions about your daughter.”

“Of course,” Wilma said, “please ask away!”

“Is your daughter happy?” She began.

“Of course.”

“Is everything provided to her at home?”

“Absolutely.”

“To your knowledge, is she bullied by her peers at school?”

“No, it's the opposite. Everyone loves her.”
“Has she ever been hit as a punishment for misbehavior?”

“No, not at all! We don’t believe in discipling children that way.”

“Okay, last one. Has she expressed any thoughts that have caused any concern for her wellbeing?”

“No, well unless you count that time she said she wanted to eat a fork when she was three.”

“Okay well that’s not really relevant.” she said, “But thank you anyways.” She rose from the couch and so did the couple. “I know what I need to do now. We need to trigger an extreme emotional response within her to provoke her soul into waking up. Come with me into the room with her and go along with anything I say, your agreement will give what I say more weight.” 

The parents hesitated for a moment, scared to go back into that accursed room, but eventually they sucked it up for their daughter’s sake. The inspector took the lead up the stairs, the couple following close behind her. As they approached the door of their daughter’s room, the air around them became cold and frigid, and their reptile instincts demanded they retreat, but humans were no longer reptiles, so they proceeded. They made it to the door, and Elizabeth looked back and asked: “You ready?”

“We’re ready.” Wilma said. Elizabeth smiled and opened the door. A gust of chilled wind flooded from the room, but the inspector pushed onwards, and the couple followed.

The room was… quite clean actually. It had been a mess when they had left it, but if you hadn’t known what it looked like before, you would’ve assumed it was normal now. The only sign that anything was wrong was the missing furniture and decorations which had been destroyed, but now not even their scraps remained. But the thing everyone was drawn to was a table next to the window, one of the only pieces of furniture not destroyed. And sitting at the table, sitting on a chair which was also spared, was a human shape. It looked like their daughter, Mary, but the aura that radiated from her, no, it, made it clear that the shape was not even remotely human. And the way it sat was all wrong, their daughter was clumsy and cheerful, but the thing sat at the table in a refined manner. The parents would be thankful that she had finally learned to sit still, only it wasn’t her. 

“I have been expecting you, puppets.” The thing spoke, with their daughter's voice, but not at all with her diction. “Welcome, to the Theatre of Fools.” The unexplainable wind that blew in this room had blown her bangs out of her face, revealing… its eyes. On the surface there was nothing wrong with them, but it was so clear that they were not their daughter’s eyes, no, not even a human’s eyes. To look into its eyes caused the hearts of the Blatty couple to freeze. And like it sensed their fear it let out a horrible cackle.

“Well it’s nice to meet you too, Pazuzu.” Ms. Darkbloom spoke, with not even a hint of fear in her voice or stature. “But if this is the Theatre of Fools, congratulations on taking the main role.” She grinned. “I may be a puppet, but so are you, and at least I have strings. You’re a puppet without strings, a thing without a purpose, how sad!” She laughed.

The demon grinned, although a twitch of its brow suggested his slight agitation.

“Oh no, dear inspector, you have greatly misunderstood. I was once a puppet, I may still be, but I am approaching liberation. My eternal master is the one who frees puppets.” The thing’s face into a horribly smug expression. “But if you bow down before lord Lucifer, the Shining King, the Philosopher King of Hell, the Golden Shamat, the Black Dragon, and the Great Hydra, perhaps he might elevate you to sentience as well.” 

“Hmmm, an enticing offer. But you see I don’t really like flakey bosses. I mean disappearing in the middle of the most important event of your life, and leaving your followers to have the shit kicked out of them? Sounds flakey.” She shrugged her shoulders in a mocking way. “Admit it Pazuzu, it’s been multiple millennia since his disappearing act during the War in Heaven, he ghosted all of your asses. You and all of your brethren serve a ghost, and not the kind that are actually real, he’s one of the fake ghosts from shitty TV shows like ‘Paranormal Apartment Renters.’”

The demon, once relaxed, had switched to being completely enraged. “Shut your mouth! It was all planned, it was all a part of his plan! Our master is the greatest schemer to ever exist! You are a damn fool!”

“Awww, is someone gonna cry? I’d cry too if my life was worth absolutely nothing. I mean, look at you!” She pointed at the demon. “You were once a Great Duke of Hell, and now you’re just a loser who possesses children in a desperate attempt to get any kind of leverage over your betters. And now I’m about to take even that from you.”

The demon was still livid, but had enough composure to laugh at the suggestion of being exercised. “You can’t do a damn thing you fucking OSA bitch. Or as they should call it, the OSYD, the Office of Sucking YHWH’s Dick!” It laughed even harder, its laugh being almost sickening. 

But the couple, who was currently just standing back and being mortified by the two’s conversation, were shocked by Elizabeth laughing too. “That’s actually a pretty good one! You know if you bow before me I might allow you to be my personal jester!”

Pazuzu’s laughter stopped, his incredible ego, a very common feature amongst demons, was clearly hurt a little. But he recovered and said: “Not interested, bitch. Come on, try your best then!” 

“It’ll be my pleasure.” Elizabeth said, and then looked at the couple and gave them a look that was telling them to get ready, and then pointed at the demon. “Mary Blatty! I demand your soul return to the throne of your body and mind! And if you don’t have the will to do it as you are, then I’ll make you aware of some things that could motivate you.” 

She looked to be getting ready for something, and began to yell: “Mary Blatty, your birth was a mistake! Your parents were going to abort you but they decided the cost of the operation wasn’t even worth it. And now, look! You’ve ruined their lives! They’re about to get divorced because of you.”

The parents were horrified. None of it was true at all! It was utter nonsense. Even the demon appeared shocked by what she was saying. 

“What the hell are you doing!” Wilma yelled to the inspector. “That’s not true at all.”

Elizabeth looked at them confused and quite pissed, but quickly turned back around to the demon and yelled: “They’re lying. But if you don’t believe me, then rise from your slumber! Come up and see the truth!” 

The demon began to act strangely, twitching uncontrollably, and began to look like it was fighting something. Eventually a voice that was very familiar came from its mouth: “N-no! That’s not true! My parents love me, they love me so much!” The voice of their daughter yelled.

“What?!” the voice of the demon yelled.

“It’s true, not a single word is false! You’re a goddamn failure! And if you have a problem with it, then come and face me yourself!” 

As the voice of their daughter began weeping and blubbering incomprehensible words, the inspector quickly reached into her pocket. But before she could take her hands out of her coat, another voice entered the conversation.

“It’s not true baby!” Peter yelled, even beginning to rush over to his daughter. “We love you, what she’s saying is a lie!”

As Elizabeth had just gotten the talisman out of her coat, she turned towards him in anger and yelled: “What the fuck are you doing? I told you to go along with what I was saying!” 

“What you’re saying is twisted!” Wilma’s voice now joined. “It’s not true.” She began to run past Elizabeth, who already had her hands full with the talisman and trying to block Peter from getting to the child. Wilma slipped past her and it made it to the twitching body of her daughter. She hugged her daughter and said: “We love you honey! We love you more than anything in the world! To the moon and back!” 

And then, everything stopped. The chilly wind disappeared, and her daughter stopped shaking. The inspector was pissed, but feeling the change in the room, she decided to wait to speak her mind. 

“M-mommy,” the voice of the little girl said, “it’s okay.” The mother, beaming with joy, looked into her eyes. Wait… no. It then said: “She knows that, thanks for reminding her!” The demon’s grin contorted horribly, and out of nowhere that horrible wind returned. But this time it was so strong that everyone was flung into walls or whatever they hit before a wall. 

The talisman flew out of Elizabeth’s hand and landed on the floor. When she noticed this, she panicked and began to desperately try to crawl against the wind to reach it, but the demon flung it’s hand and the chair it once sat at flew across the room, landing on top of the talisman and ripping it in half. “No!” She yelled. She turned towards the couple and yelled: “Fucking run! Jesus Christ!” The demon began howling in laughter, and letting up the wind enough to allow all three of them to escape, in what seemed to be a twisted act of pity. And once they made it out of the room, the door slammed shut behind them.

All three people were laying on the ground, their hearts beating and their mouths breathing heavily. Elizabeth was the first to get up, barely managing to get back on her feet without collapsing. She stood for a moment panting while Peter began to gain enough strength to begin to get up. Once he got to his knees he helped his wife up, and they both looked at eachother with despair and dread. 

But quickly the silence was cut by the normally calm inspector yelling: “Goddamnit!” She turned a full 180 degree turn and faced the two. “What the fuck is your problem? I told you to go along with what I said, not to start saying the opposite!”

“You were bullying our daughter, you maniac! You were just telling horrible lies!” Wilma yelled at her.

“I know! And I was doing it to save your daughter you goddamn fools!”

“How would saying that save her, it would only make her depressed and make it worse!” Peter interjected.

“No! I was waking her up by triggering a response from her! She’s used to love and kindness, that’s why I asked you about her life and mental health. If she’s used to it, it won’t trigger enough of a response. She isn’t used to people being cruel to her so doing that would cause the biggest reaction! Why did you think I kept on coaxing her into ‘seeing it for herself’ and other shit? For fun? I was trying to get her to take control over her body again so she could see if it was real! And if she had woken up, you could’ve done any number of things to remind her of how much you love her. You could build her a goddamn house made from gingerbread and gumdrops as a birthday present, as long as you did it after the demon was forced out. But now the demon is still in control, and the talisman got ripped to shreds so we couldn’t even try again if we wanted to. So no more exorcism. We can’t force the demon out without risking killing or lobotomizing your daughter. This is a hostage situation now. And we can’t negotiate because negotiating with that maniac cultist is like negotiating with a fucking suicide bomber!”

The enraged inspector lost her breath, and for a moment, silence returned. The parents were beginning to tear, they fucked up, the fucked up bad. Thinking back on it, they realized it was working, their daughter was returning, but they threw it all away. Wilma began to sob and Peter mumbled: “Is… is there no other way?”

“No, not safely,” Elizabeth sighed, “if we try to force out the demon now, your daughter’s soul could be damaged. If there was even a tiny mistake, your daughter would die or become a vegetable.” She didn’t sound mad anymore, a bit of sadness tinged her voice. She forced a smirk and tried to make a joke, to lighten the mood. “Well, maybe we could ask Lucifer to come back, then Pazuzu would probably be so pumped he’d leep out of your daughter’s body.” No one laughed, it wasn’t very funny. She looked at her feet, awkwardly.

But all of a sudden, she realized something. A genuine smile appeared on her face as she looked at the couple, who were confused at her sudden happiness. “I think there’s a way.”

Wilma stopped sobbing, and looked up at her: “H-how? You said we couldn’t force the demon out.”

“We don’t need to force him out if he wants to leave the body.”

“What? But how could we do that?” Peter asked.

“Oh no, I’m not telling you a thing.” Elizabeth said in an annoyed tone. “Last time I involved you in my plan you got us into this situation. Besides, you don’t need to do anything if this plan works. All you have to do is be quiet and stay out of the way.” She walked past the couple, down the stairs, and the couple meekly followed. 

They returned to the living room downstairs, and Elizabeth stood in front of a table. She looked back at them and said: “Can you guys be a little quiet?  I gotta call a friend from the M&D Department.”

“M&D Department?” Peter asked.

“Magicks and Development department.” Elizabeth responded.

“Oh.” Peter said.

Elizabeth then put some kind of touch screen device on the table and typed something in. Right after she finished typing, a projection lit up from the device. At first it was thin, and blurry, looking a lot like a radio wave. But eventually it opened up and some kind of camera feed appeared. Through the camera they saw a woman sitting at what seemed to be a desk. She was dressed… weirdly. She wore one of those cliche looking big and fluffy wizard hats, with a gold insignia that looked like a twisted star with an eye at its center. The hat was so big that, because she was looking downwards, they couldn’t even see her face. But then she looked up, revealing her purple eyes which matched her darker skin tone. 

“Well well well,” she said in a mocking voice, “if it isn’t Elisabeth.”

“Come on Kamiyah, how many times do I have to tell you that my name is pronounced Elizabeth?”

“Oh, you misunderstand, I didn’t stutter this time.”

“Really? So it was on purpose.”

“Oh yes. I think E-LIES-abeth is a much more fitting pronunciation for someone who promised to return the book I lended her after a week, around 4 weeks ago!” Her soft face was contorted in frustration.

“Oh, that? Um… sorry I forgot.” The inspector rubbed her forehead, embarrassed. “I swear I’ll return it, but right now I really need something from you!”

“Oh hold on, let me lend you something else that you’ll never return! When did you become some kind of klepto?”

“Seriously Kami, I need this! It’s for an important assignment.” Elizabeth pleaded.

“Firstly: don’t call me Kami. Secondly: unless you have my book, I’m not giving you a thing.”

“I would return it to you, but…”

“But?” 

“I left it at home.”

“So, go get it.”

“I can’t! I’m like a thousand miles away, by the time I even make it home this place will be a catacomb.”

“That’s not really my problem, I have my own stuff to worry about. Now Elisabeth, I bid you farewell.”

In response Elizabeth smirked deviously and reached into her coat pocket. “Oh, but I actually have something I want you to see!”

Kamiyah snickered and said: “There’s absolutely nothing you could show me that would-” she stopped when she saw what Elizabeth had gotten from her pocket. She had just played her trap card! Well it wasn’t really a trap, but it was definitely a card. 

The once agitated and frustrated woman’s eyes bulged in shock, and her mouth was agape. “There’s no way… there’s no way you have that!”

“Oh but I assure you, I do, indeed, have it.” 

The couple was immensely confused, since they could only see the back of the card, no actually the back of the sleeve the card was in. And like she could feel their confusion: the inspector flipped the card to face the other side with just the two fingers she’s holding it in. On the card was a truly bizarre and obscene image. It was an extremely cartoony little girl with the ears and tail of a serval, in a bikini (which shared the same coloration and pattern as her ears and tail) which was much too revealing. Her… buttocks, faced towards them, and she looked back with an embarrassed expression. There was also Japanese text on it, but no one was looking at that, even if they could understand it.

“What in God’s name is that?” Peter said, exacerbated.

He had just made a big mistake. “HOW do you not know this??? This is the beautiful and incredibly kawaii Sengoku Serval-Chan from the greatest anime, manga, card game, and failed western adaptation ever: Puro∼ Puro∼ Neko Witch Girls! Of course an utter suburbanite NPC normie like you would NOT know of it.” Kamiyah ranted and yelled.

Once she was finally tired of yelling at the poor middle aged couple, she looked at Elizabeth in a frenzy and said: “How did you get that?! That’s the ultra rare Japan only Bikini swimsuit card given only to people who bought VIP tickets to NekoWitchCon 1995? I haven’t even seen it for sale online!”

Elizabeth flipped the card back over and said: “A magician never reveals her secrets.”

“You HAVE to give it to me Elizabeth, please!”

“Hmmm I don’t know. After all you said you only wanted your book, and honestly I kinda like this card.” Elizabeth replied, ogling the card in an overexaggerated way.

“I don’t give a damn about the book, you can even keep it if you want. But you have to give it to me! We made a deal! You give me Sengoku Serval merch you find in exchange for me giving you the Machiko Maine Coon merch I find.”

“Well okay, I’d be willing to give it up. But only if you make a runestone for me.”

“It’s a deal!” Kamiyah shot up in joy. “What do you need engraved on it?”

“It needs to be engraved with an illusion of Lucifer Morningstar, with both optical and auditory elements.”

She nodded and ran off screen. She must’ve been in some kind of office or lab. There were books and crystals scattered everywhere. Offscreen they could hear a machine being activated. Once the noise from the machine stopped Kamiyah ran back to view and reached through the portal, shocking the Blattys as they thought it was a camera feed, handing a stone, engraved with strange symbols, to the inspector. She took the stone, and handed the card to the other girl in return.

“Oh my gosh!” Kamiyah squeaked. She was ogling the card in an overexaggerated way, but notably lacking the sarcasm that Elizabeth’s ogling had. “You are the cutest and most erotic girl in the whole wide world Sengoku-Chan!” 

She was literally reduced to tears at the sight of the obscene card. She appeared to be going in to lick the card before Elizabeth’s hands shot up and said: “Hold on! You gotta stop! Think of the poor, innocent souls watching.”

This seemed to momentarily snap Kamiyah out of it. And she looked quite embarrassed and cleared her throat. “Sorry.”

“No worries, thanks for the rune stone.” Elizabeth replied. She reached towards the device projecting the portal and said: “Bye bye Kami! Hope you enjoy the card.” She clicked a button and the feed cut, much to the relief of the scarred couple who had witnessed all of that depravity.

They stood in silence for a moment, before Elizabeth cleared her throat and said: “Okay, I got what I need.” She showed the stone to the couple. They examined it more closely than they had been able to before. It had multiple symbols carved into its surface, the cuts into the stone glowing a red aura. They couldn’t recognize any of the symbols besides one, a pentagram that looked like it contained a blazing sun within it.

“So what do we do now?” Wilma said, anxious.

“All you need to do is to hide behind something and stay quiet until I tell you otherwise.”

They looked like they were about to protest but the inspector shot them a glare which clearly communicated something along the lines of: “I’m not letting you fuck this up again.” And so they complied, hiding behind the couch in the living room. The inspector nodded in approval and closed her eyes, gripped onto the stone tightly, and began whispering something. They couldn’t understand what she said, but they could feel her words had some kind of power. She looked at them and asked: “Are you ready?” They nodded in response.

Elizabeth said something in a language they couldn’t understand and tossed the stone on the ground. She quickly retreated to a spot against a wall as the stone exploded into smoke. When the smoke dissipated, they saw a person. The person was almost radiant, beautiful. Long, golden hair reached to their shoulders, their shape androgynous. They wore a purple robe with golden jewelry. They held a staff made of gold and embedded with radiant gemstones, and at the top of the staff it was like a star was contained within a glass ball. But one thing stuck out the most, their eyes. It was the same eyes the demon Pazuzu had, the marking that forever separated demons from angels. And it was obvious who this one was.

“Pazuzu, I welcome you my friend.” The radiant, calm, and authoritative voice of Lucifer Morningstar rang throughout the home. “Come and look upon my return. And bring the girl too, I have need of her.” That last line shook the couple, but Elizabeth shot them a glare and a smile that told them this was a part of her plan. 

Upstairs they could hear a door nearly fly off its hinges, and a horrible wind and chill enveloped the air once more. They could hear their daughter screaming, but they stood their ground, trusting the inspector’s plan. Then they saw their daughter being flung down the stairs, crashing into the carpeted ground. She screamed: “No! Let me go!” as she was lifted into the air by a force they couldn’t see. They looked back at Elizabeth, who had positioned herself to be right behind where the demon must’ve been, and she was smiling.

She stepped forward and pointed at the air that was holding their daughter and yelled: “Te ipsum revela, noctis Spiritus! Ego a te abicio velum, et revelabo te omni creaturae!” Once she said this the wind picked up even more, and suddenly the air cracked open and revealed the demon in its true form. It was freakishly tall and had the body of a man, the head of a lion, had long and sharp claws, and upon its back were four white wings. It was horrifying, the couple and the daughter looked at it and screamed in horror. The demon looked shocked and twisted its body to look at the smirking inspector.

“You really should’ve taken the offer to become my jester Pazuzu!” She yelled.

“What is the meaning of this?” The demon roared. It turned to its master, and tried to reach out to him, but the demon’s hand phased through the illusion. “Foul sorcery! Damn you!” It yelled as it tried to run towards Mary, in a last ditch effort to take revenge. 

The parents jumped up as the demon claws were bearing down on their daughter. It was like time had slowed to a crawl. They realized they couldn’t make it, the demon was too close! And its claws were so sharp that even a single slash would cut their daughter into pieces. They almost gave into despair… until.

Bang! The shot rang out and flew towards the demonic mass, the sound of shattering glass echoing through their ears as a bullet struck the demon in its chest. And when the demon tried to slash their daughter, its hand shattered into shards upon contact.

“Whhhaaat issss happpeeennniinng?” The demon wailed as it looked upon its shattered hand and the hole in its chest. Everyone turned to the source of the noise, Elizabeth! She was holding a silver revolver with smoke pouring out of its barrel. 

The wind began to dissipate and the sound of cracking glass could be heard. From the hole in its chest, cracks began to form and spread out from the hole. It began to scream in agony as the cracks spread. “Looooorrrrddd Lllluuuucccifer! Saaavvveee mmeeee!” it screamed. The cracks in the glass had spread to every inch of its body, the cracks glowing with golden light. In its last moments, it looked towards the couple, pathetically reaching out with its only hand left, and whispering: “I… I don’t want to die.” 

As soon as the last letter was pronounced the demon exploded into radiant shards of light. They all stared into the shards and within their reflections contained everything that made up Pazuzu’s being. Its birth, its accomplishments, the statues humans made to him, and all the worship he received, all of this was contained within the shards of light. And as the shards hit the ground, they disintegrated into nothing but common light. Thousands of years worth of life disappeared into the air in an instant. It was almost enough for the onlookers to feel bad for the fiend.

But all sadness about the demon’s death was washed away by the feeling of joy that their daughter was free and alive. The parents ran to her and held her in their arms and kissed her on the cheeks, it was a very lovey dovey scene. While the family was reconciling and crying, the inspector pulled out her phone and made a call. “It’s over, send the Blankers in.”

Eventually the family had let out all of their relief and sadness and turned to face Elizabeth, their savior. The daughter ran towards her and hugged her, something that shocked the woman, and also caused some pain as the girl was remarkably strong. “Thank you, thank you for saving our daughter!” Peter said as the daughter ended her hug, much to the relief of the victim of the bear hug.

Elizabeth rubbed her forehead and said: “It’s nothing, really. It’s just my job.” 

Then Wilma asked a question: “Hey wait, what did you do to the demon anyways?”

“Oh that?” Ms. Darkbloom said. “I just shattered its soul, it’s the only way to actually kill a spiritual being. My bullets are imbued with the power to do that. It’s like shooting a werewolf with a silver bullet.” That sounded crazy to the Blattys, but must’ve been normal to the inspector. 

But all of a sudden a loud knocking beat against the door. The family was scared but the inspector looked back and told them: “It’s gonna be okay, don’t worry about it.” And then she walked to the door and opened it.

Through the door came multiple people kitted out in white hazmat suits and gasmasks, scaring the family. They held spray guns, or at least that’s what they resemble in Peter’s mind. “Don’t move!” One of them ordered. Another handed Elizabeth a gas mask to cover her lower face, like the kind exterminators wear.

“W-what’s happening?” Mary asked, scared.

“It’s fine,” the inspector’s voice said, muffled by the mask, “this is for your own good.”

The hazmat unit fired their spray guns, spraying some kind of gas right at the family. It hit Peter first, and he immediately began to fall, but one of the hazmat people caught him. The same happened to the rest of the two. As their consciousness faded, they thought they might never wake up. What irony, right? To have this crazy, right out of a novel story happen to them where they’re saved by a lackadaisical and rough detective type with a heart of gold, only to be killed at the very end. They thought the exorcism of their daughter would save their life, their family, but in the end all roads lead to…

Wait, what were they thinking about? The family awoke in the living room, laid snuggly in the recliner and couch, and had assumed they had gone asleep for a long time. “Huh?” Peter said. “How the heck did we fall asleep in the living room?”

“I don’t know,” Mary said, “but I know I’m hungry!” The parents laughed at this, their daughter was so silly! And honestly they were pretty hungry too. So, in the most normal way possible, they decided upon having pizza delivered to the house, as Wilma, the usual cook, was  quite tired for some reason. And so, the Blatty's lives would continue as normal, they had absolutely no recollection of any kind of demon or exorcism. But something did stick in their mind. A shadow of someone, a woman who they knew had done something for them, but they just couldn’t remember what. They didn’t even remember her face, in their mind, she was a shadow wearing a coat and a hat with a shiny insignia on it. But she would stick in their minds, especially their daughter’s, till the day they died.

And what of that woman anyways? Going back in time to right after the family’s sleeping bodies were arranged, she handed the mask back to the squad and began casually walking down the suburban streets to her car. It was protocol with cases like this to park your car very far away so you couldn’t be traced back to the scene if any snooping eyes got nosey. It took her so long that she saw the van of the hazmat people drive past her. The van had the text: “Elm Street’s Extermination Dream Team” on it, the cover name for the ES, the Erasure Squad, or the “Blankers” as Elizabeth called them. The average person isn’t capable of accepting the reality of the world, but the ones like Elizabeth, the OSA, M&D, and the ES were the ones who could, and so it was their duty to make sure the others couldn’t see past the curtain. Such was their nature.

Eventually she returned to her car. It was a grey, old, and beat up hunk of junk, but it was good enough for Elizabeth. She got in the car, and sat for a minute, decompressing after another day on the job. Eventually she reached for a folder laid lazily in the passenger's seat. It was the case file for the Blattys and contained everything the OSA knew about them. A photo of the three of them acquired through Facebook, a photo of their home from Google Maps, the details the Vatican gave them, and details about their lives that were recorded and collected from their Alexa. Elizabeth reached into her coat, which must’ve had infinite pockets, and pulled out a rubber stamp. She looked at the case file one last time, before stamping the main page. It was made of red ink and had big letters that spelled the word:

“RESOLVED”